Fantastic Four: Fuck the fucking haters, watch this movie!

Idiocracy
A documentary…

After watching the latest Fantastic Four from Fox Studios I am now adamant in my belief that Idiocracy is a documentary of the present situation in the US.

So let me get this straight: If a movie is not dumb as a brick, full of stupid jokes, brainless one-liners, impossible, unrealistic, down-right insulting physics, big-ass titties and bigger-ass derrieres, it’s a flop? If a movie starts with a FREAGIN AMAZING homage to a true story from one of the brightest and most inspiring minds in modern physics, it’s boring? If the action is not over-the-fucking-top like most summer block busters and there are no explosions every fucking 40 seconds, the movie is stale, without pacing and disjointed? “Flat characters, no chemistry, weak script and even weaker climax”, some of the more mild comments about the movie’s story, are a veritable proof that the masses are never right.

Hence this review. To put an end in this onslaught of stupidity and to oust the masses of brainless idiots – who insist in opening their mouths only to produce a tidal wave of sick brown diarrhea – for what they truly are: a bunch of stupid cunts who wants the rest of us to be as stupid as they are.

Well, FUCK YOU!

Like Eddie Griffin perfectly put it: THINK!

So you didn’t like the movie because it contained too long words for you to understand? Or because it was not cheerful, happy and fluffy as the rest of the MCU movies? Or because it didn’t depict the Fantastic Four as they were in their comic versions? Which point exactly ruined it for you? (Please, by all means, go ape-shit in the comment section. I got a response ready for each one of you).

Let’s see now… The fact that the movie contained some hard science in it’s fiction – some! not everything was correct or accurate – does not diminish a Sci-Fi/comic movie, if anything else, it elevates it! Just because you are too stupid to understand the concept of parallel dimensions and quantum physics, does not automatically render them “boring and nerdy”. Fuck you and your non-existent IQ, this  movie is about one of the BIGGEST nerds in comic history. Reed Richards is – along with Hank Pim and Tony Stark –  the Brain Trust Trio of the Marvel universe. So yes, he is a mega-ultra-giga-fucking-gargantuan NERD! So it is only natural to be depicted as such. Now, the actor who plays him in this version is not one of my favorites, nor the best to be honest – I found him to be mediocre in Whiplash – but at least he manages to convey that social awkwardness of someone who IS the smartest person in the room!

The origin story was not accurate and didn’t follow the original from the comic. The comic that was released in 1961, fifty four years ago..involving “cosmic rays”..that origin story. You must be trolling us if you want that origin story in a movie released in 2015! This movie portrays a much more logical and even possible origin for the teams forces – OK, OK…the way how-Sue-got-her-groove-on was ridiculous, I admit that. But the rest was spot on, even Reed’s stretching ability from trying to close the pod door. Also, if you expected for Dr. Doom to be the ruler of Latveria in 2015, then I got news for you: Wake the fuck up! This is not the ’60s, where every country ending in -ia or -stan was immediately the home country of every bad guy. Even in the second Avengers movie they used a fictional eastern European country and when I saw that in the theatre I laughed so much, they told me to “shut the fuck up, we’re missing out on the action here pal!“. The angle of Doom being a super-genius computer nerd makes much more sense than the original story. Again, I will admit that the depiction of his motivation on destroying the world was handled poorly. But again, we don’t know for how long he was left all alone in that dimension, how damaged he has become and what is his level of hate against humanity.

The movie was dark, with little room for humor, much less room for stupid theatrics and fun, pissing contests. But this is what made it good, the realism and the gritty details. Of course there would be an intervention from the military as soon as 4 humans became living weapons. Of course there would be exploitation, manipulation, threats, imprisonment, betrayal and an overall ominous gloom over their newly found abilities. This is the reason why Man of Steel was a great movie, not just a great comic book/super hero movie. Superman was not idealized as in the comic books, he acted more like a human being, rather than an almighty God-like entity. Realism in a comic book movie can be positive and helps the movie reach out to a broader audience, not just the comic book geeks. The Thing fighting Taliban in Afghanistan, the Human Torch being trained as a living weapon, that is what would make sense to everyone. If you don’t like seeing the US army act as the bad guy in yet another movie, then write to your fucking congressman, to your president and demand a drastic change in US foreign policy. Till then, shut the fuck up and swallow the bitter pill of truth.

By now you must either be boiling in anger from what you’ve read or have stopped reading by the second paragraph. For those of you who are still with me, good for you.

Let me say this very clearly: This was not a masterpiece. This was not even a great movie, but what it was is a GOOD movie. A decent attempt at portraying the most important super hero team in comic history – no, JLA is NOT that important, what the fuck has a mere mortal to do with demigods and alien super-beings? The Fantastic Four was a movie with all the right intentions. It wanted to present realistic, sometimes even plausible version of an implausible scenario. And that is where it failed. The director tried to do the same in his previous film – Chronicle – but he failed in that also. The reason is simple: you cannot blend realism and such levels of science fiction and come out with a balanced result. You either go all out Sci-Fi or you go all out realism with hints of something extraordinary.

For me this was a wasted opportunity for something amazing. Maybe with a better cast, a better director, a more ambitious vision and a balanced script we could have the Fantastic Four movie that we – and most importantly the characters – deserve.  But still, despite all that I still urge you to watch the movie. It does not deserve the 27/100 in Rotten Tomatoes and the 4.0 in IMDB. It is – in my opinion – much better than the majority of phase 1+2 movies from the MCU. Again, I stress the word “better” and not “more entertaining”. If you want mindless fun, go watch Guardians of the Galaxy, it’s epic. But it is still a dumb-as-a-brick movie.

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4 thoughts on “Fantastic Four: Fuck the fucking haters, watch this movie!

  1. I was just a child when the FF first were being published, so I am part of the Lee Kirby generation. I will wait to see it when it gets a video release. From everything I have read and spoken with the few young folk who have seen it, this film is a terribly flawed movie. This is aside from whether it was an even worthwhile cinematic interpretation of comic book characters that were ahead of their time when they were first published.

    Most of the problems can be attributed to a studio mishandling of the property. What Fox wanted to create was a tone similar to the more successful X-Men property. They wanted an action adventure science fiction movie . This could have been possible while maintaining the core spirit of the comics – a family unit of exceptional individuals who explore strange new frontiers, which in many ways is no different from Star Trek or still earlier Doc Savage and his Amazing Five. The other interesting component, which fits perfectly with present 21st century social media culture, is that these individuals become celebrities and are entrepreneurs .

    Science fiction and realism are not mutually exclusive terms. Certainly not in literature and quite possible in cinema and television. I am not sure what you mean by “all out science fiction”, it seems to be a very narrow definition.

    Part of the problem for audiences right now is they are looking for heroic ideals to counter what they see as a grim world where no one is stepping up to the plate to effectively deal with world problems. One just has to look at the mess of the refugee crisis in Europe to see a lack of leadership and ethical heroism.

    Heroes in movies do not have to be dark gritty and grim to be realistic. They can be nuanced characters full a range of emotions.

    As to an antagonist, such as Dr. Doom, it is not that difficult to imagine a dictator subjugating a population in this era. Or to consider the possibility of someone with technical knowledge manipulating media & society to accumulate wealth and power.

    Final bit about your review, I would recommend you take a less emotional approach to engaging your audience. The shock value of four letter words suggests to a potential reader immaturity and lack of critical analysis.

    1. It’s always good to meet the fans, even if I had to post a flame thread to do so. 😀 None the less, thank you for your comment, it clearly took you some time to prepare and post.
      So let’s break it down point by point then, shall we…
      You were a kid in the ’60s, which means that you are part of the original Marvel crowd. Congratulations on living in that era, I sort of envy you. Point 1): “From everything I have read and spoken with the few young folk who have seen it,…” What is the tile of this post? Read that again and come back. So, now that you get it, what did you expect from people who grew up with F&F, Michael Bay and MTV reality shows?
      Point 2): “What Fox wanted to create was a tone similar to the more successful X-Men property..” Yes, inevitably this comparison would rise for this film. But as I mentioned in the post, a better director+crew would have made this movie close up to par with the X-Men. The main reason for the X-Men’s success was that its cast contains Sir Patrick Stewart, Sir Ian McKellen, Hugh Jackman and was directed from Bryan Singer. One of the strongest points of those movies was the director, as we all witnessed in the ungodly train-wreck of a movie that was X-Men: The Last Stand. So, FF would be much better with a tried and experienced cast+director. Still, these guys tried their best and for that I give them credit.
      Point 3): “…all out science fiction”, it seems to be a very narrow definition.” If you have clicked on the link in that phrase, you would have seen the show “Heroes”. It was one of the best Sci-Fi series until season 3 kicked in and it went all “Lost” on us. By all-out-Sci-Fi approach I mean a high-science script, compared to a high-magic script or a high-action script from AD&D. Realism and Sci-Fi go hand to hand and it’s one of the reasons it’s my favourite genre, but in this case – because the movie was NOT pure Sci-Fi, but a comic based material – this approach did not work unfortunately.
      Point 4): “Heroes in movies do not have to be dark gritty and grim to be realistic. ” YES, they do, they absolutely do. AND they can also be nuanced and with a full range of emotions. I personally prefer an anti-hero better, but this is a matter of taste I guess.
      Point 5): ” it is not that difficult to imagine a dictator subjugating a population in this era. Or to consider the possibility of someone with technical knowledge manipulating media & society to accumulate wealth and power.” Both things are a near impossibility in this time, the existing dictators – however few they are – exist in countries with a running dictatorship from your time, the ’60s. As for individuals becoming almighty entities amassing power, information and wealth, there are people like that. As examples, one is spending a small countries GDP to fight diseases globally and the other one is running for president of the US while wearing roadkill on his head. Neither one of them fits the super villain role portrayed in the golden age of comics. In my opinion the new threats need to be up-to-date when the movie takes place in our time.
      And punto numero seis: ” I would recommend you take a less emotional approach to engaging your audience. The shock value of four letter words suggests to a potential reader immaturity and lack of critical analysis.” First of all, read my previous posts. Second of all, I never said I’m mature, don’t you go putting words in my mouth there dude. Third of all, this is one of my most emotional posts, full of “fuck you” because I AM emotionally enraged with all the stupidity around me – if you haven’t understand the point of my post (not just a movie, the overall idiocy of people in the US) – read it again. Fourth and final, suggestion duly noted, now fuck off. Thank you for reading.

      1. Not sure if you checked my background. it includes being a Canadian ( now retired) secondary school teacher with emphasis in areas of Special Education and Media Literacy ( one of my blogs is about Mass Media Principles & Studies. The interest in Mass Media and how it shapes cultural attitudes & norms .

        Actually, I got some feedback from my son, who is well educated with a background Visual Arts and Computer Character Design and Animations. He has some health issues which have challenged him in his efforts at getting regular work.

        While I agree that a large portion of the American audience are under educated about science and the rest of the world, I do not think that the online and fanboy anger really had much to do with the success or failure of the movie. It was poorly conceived and marketed – over managed by those holding a conflicting views of the nature of the property. This often happens in the Hollywood industry, but not on such a financial scale. They were aiming at summer blockbuster ticket sales & merchandising, you have to be dead on target with that goal. As you point out, the movie is adequate but not earth shatteringly entertaining – studios will not get back the financial return. All Mass Media have business interests and specific target audiences – first 2 principles of mass media.

        I did click the link for your example. I love the Heroes series & characters, even the awful network over managed & writer strike garbled plot lines. To me, it is an example of dumbed-down science fiction or television fantasy trying to pretend it is science fiction. It was a rip from Wild Cards blended with aspects of early X-men. Hopefully the new series will recapture some of the magic of the original first season and perhaps even off some sort of coherent explanation for what they are now calling Evos. Interestingly, they are “borrowing from Marvel ” a catastrophic incident that caused the public to turn against the Heroes – do not not know if that is a good thing or a lack of creativity.

        Heroism and anti-hero are different things. So I think this is where we differ in interpretations. The Hero trope/archetype derives from the Mythic Quest narrative, with psychological wholeness being the symbolic goal/reward. Emphasis is placed on achieving a higher good or the community and “Self”. The anti-hero has its roots in tragedy – the hero who must face inner conflicts and in someway be at least partially overwhelmed by them. The Hard-boiled Detective of noir pulp sensibility are faced with a corrupt or morally ambiguous world , so that even if they hew to a heroic role their actions and the outcome are undercut by cultural realm in which they find themselves.

        I agree that the Dr Doom scenario as presented in the original comic version has become dated. My take on both the antagonist and protagonists of this comic fit in to the modern Steve Jobs world. Rather than being saddled by the military, I would have them as young brilliant technology business folk. They push the boundaries and as a consequence inadvertently develop “powers”. They become YouTube sensations and Social Media Darlings ( one of the concepts that the got right with Tony Stark in the first Iron Man movie). Think of Doom as creating a cross between Scientology and Apple ( not that far apart in reality) and then using wealth and power to buy a small island. From there let the cosmic Kirby craziness ensue .

        Sorry if I misunderstood the ironic-humour tone of your post. As an older guy who was once a teacher, I still have trouble with the rant culture on the internet and the cultural shades of language that seem to live in this environment. To me the downgrade in language & civility is part of American Mass Media culture that the movie and music industry seem to promote in an effort to maintain an audience of the lowest common denominator. I do enjoy exploring other points of view in the blogging community and thought you had some thought provoking observations. It was very late when I read the post and I did not have time to explore your blog in any detail.

  2. This is turning out to be one of the most interesting parts of writing a blog after all : the Feedback. So far I had none, this is new.. I like it. Like the Governator said in that immortal line: “I like you Sally..that’s why I’m going to kill you last.” 😀
    Like you said, I did not read your blog nor your background, so I had no idea that you are from the land of maple-EVERYTHING and beer. I like Canada, sounds like a fantastic place with a well organized and sane society…if only it wasn’t the icebox of the planet I would move there without a second thought. Thank you also for all those great Canadian actors – but you owe the world an apology for Celine Dion!!
    Since we both are of the same profession – my degree is on German Language & Literature, I have worked as a teacher for a few years – you can see why I place so much importance in eliminating stupidity wherever I may find it. Even through this completely obscure and unknown blog, if one of the people who reads this stops and says “Wait a sec, I know I have something between my ears that I’m supposed to use…what is it called again..”, then this attempt to influence the masses (ha!) is a success for me.
    The heroic arc in stories is as old as civilization itself, starting with stories narrated from the elders around the fire in caves, to the ancient epic tales, to modern day graphic novels. I don’t need to delve any deeper – you clearly are educated and know about the subject. I will only say that in my opinion after the year 2000 – and yes, it may be cliche and over-used – but especially after the 9/11 incident, that particular role has changed. The heroes in narratives became more one-dimensional, more propaganda material than actual heroes with high moral values. Now is the time more than ever that we need a strong anti-hero arc in our stories, someone that will tell it how it is. Funny thing, one of the best anti-hero graphic novels of the last 50 years was written before 9/11 but only made it to cinemas in 2009, Watchmen form Alan Moore.
    I have no academic background in cinema – was about to start a BA in Film Studies & American Studies but never made it due to financial reasons – so everything you see here comes solely from my vast viewing experience. I have watched more than 2.500 movies and like Tarantino everything I say about cinema is self-taught. Also, like Tarantino, sometimes I’m full of shit..
    Thanks for this debate and for your time on my humble blog. “It’s been emotional..”

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